so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
