well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
