I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
