I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Tornado booty call.. dedication
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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