there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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