Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
