i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
