my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
