I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
