When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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