Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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