I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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