I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
