it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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