he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
