y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We were destined to go to rehab together
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
