gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm at about main and main street
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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