you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
