I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
