My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
