walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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