i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
