I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
