I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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