All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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