One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
