so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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