I must be too annoying 4 u.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
