Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
