I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
