I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Im part way to drunk.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
