You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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