There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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