She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
