sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
