he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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