i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
