Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
