just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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