I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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