Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
