I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
