he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
