so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
