Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
