I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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