I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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