Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
