Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
