It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
