Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
