My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
