I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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