absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
