At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize