i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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