In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
