I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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