Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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