my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
