Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
