im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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