i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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