I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
